A few weeks ago I got into a discussion regarding marriage with someone whose marriage is in a rough spot and the couple is no longer living together. And her close friend is moving towards a similar situation in her marriage.
We had some back and forth conversation about steps that could be taken to bring things closer together again in the marriage.
After considering various apparent insurmountable challenges in the conversation, she burst out and said, “Well that sounds pretty much impossible!”
I responded, “Maybe so. It sounds impossible, but it’s not. Marriage reconciliation is HARD…. maybe very hard…. but NOT impossible.”
Imagine that. With all of the stress on marriages, there is still hope.
My wife and I have had our own rough patches in our marriage journey of 35 years. But, by God’s grace, we have always worked through them. And there will be more rough patches. And then we’ll work through it again. Marriage itself is hard work. Marriage is the primary relationship in which we get to practice grace and forgiveness, and yes, reconciliation, right up close.
A quick search on the meaning of reconciliation is: “restoring friendly relations after conflict” or, “the process of making two or more things agree”. I would add that in the restoring and in the agreeing, the cause of disagreement be sourced and resolved.
We have had opportunity over the years to mentor many couples with the goal to help strengthen their marriage and help equip them to navigate the rough times. Because they will come. And being prepared is important.
After this recent conversation I considered several important points that must be present and active for reconciliation to occur in a marriage. I jotted them down and called it a map: the Marriage Reconciliation Map.
Maps help us get places… from where we are to where we want to go. Maps also show the gap, or the distance we must travel to get from where we are to where we want to go, and help us plan what it might take to make the journey. If it’s quite the distance, we best prepare for the long haul.
We are here and we want to go there. What steps need to be taken? Consider where you are in your marriage and picture or envision where you want to go. And if you are not sure, consider a marriage that you look up to and imagine if you could move, even just a little bit at a time, in that direction.
This map is meant to indeed help move you…. from rough places to smoother ones. The journey itself may be hard, but it’s not impossible. And it’s certainly worth it!
Read this Marriage Reconciliation Map in the first person, meaning, you have to own it yourself and take responsibility. And then gently reach out to your spouse, share this Map and ask, “Do you think we could begin the journey of moving closer together?”
Here’s the Map:
1. Jesus Christ must be in it. I must be in Christ, and He in me.
2. Forgiveness is key. I go first.
3. Ephesians 5:22-33 provides the husband-and-wife foundation.
4. It takes two to tangle. I will own whatever part of the conflict is mine. Even if it seems like only 5%, I must own 100% of my 5%.
5. Grace is needed, because I will naturally want my spouse to change according to how I want them to be.
6. Love is ordered by God. How I love is to follow how God loves, because He is love. I will act in love and speak the truth in love.
7. I will lay out all the apparent areas of conflict, however many there are, and then work through them with my spouse, one at a time. This may require mentors or a mediator to be present.
8. I will remain teachable and willing to change.
9. I will accept my partner’s progress and change as God would have it. I must be patient.
10. I will uphold my partner’s reputation despite our struggles.
11. I will pray for us and for my spouse.
12. Trust is easier to maintain than to regain. Time and boundaries may be necessary.
This is not all there is to say about marriage reconciliation, but these are foundational. Be blessed, begin the journey, put in the hard work, and reach out for help if necessary. Your marriage is worth it.
Photo by engin akyurt on Unsplash
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